Little Pink Diary
by The Seventh Sage
Summary: Read Pinkie's diary as her world continues to darken, with a crush, friendship problems, and depression. Watch, as Pinkamena Diane Pie begins to descend into her world of madness. Based on my own experiences, please don't flame. T for self harm, suicide, and possibly other things later on.
1. The First Entry

Dear Diary,

I saw him today. Celestia and him came to talk to us, as the Elements, about another rising threat. He was there to help protect the Princess, but of course he and I were both ignored by the Princess and the others. He acted like it was no big deal, but my Pinkie Sense told me he felt bad.

Speaking of bad feelings, I felt guilty when I saw him again. I was so cruel to him last time. I had to excuse myself and curl my hair really fast, because my mane was going flat even faster than normal. Guilt really is a powerful emotion, isn't it? But I'm _supposed _to hate him! Or, I _was._ But why do I find myself thinking of him so often? Why can't I keep myself from glancing at him, and filling with hope every time he looks at me? WHY DO I KEEP WRITING QUESTIONS?

In other events, I got my blood test today. I should get my antidepressants soon, I think. Maybe then I'll stop thinking of him. I hope. Also, Dash tried to kill herself again. She said it was getting better, but I'm pretty sure she lied now. Last night, I wanted to talk about _my _feelings, but she was having her own problems. Why am I told my feelings matter, and then I turn around and act like an emotion dump? As if I don't have my own problems! Here is my checklist for sometime before I lose my mind completely.

1. Figure out how to help RD.

2. Figure out my problems.

3. Get Discord out of my head!

Love,

Pinkie

P.S. The psychiatrist said writing down my feelings will help, so I bought this little pink journal. It's pretty, and I drew my cutie mark on it.


	2. Second Entry

Dear Diary,

They've decided to stay for a while, Celestia and Discord. Apparently this new enemy has really powerful magic, but whenever I ask any questions they (Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, AJ, Celestia, even Dashie!) ignore me, but Discord sometimes answers my questions. He was _nice_ to me! Maybe he forgives me for my cruelty, but I should still apologize. I'm just too ashamed to face him. Why do I care anyway?! What has this demon done to crawl inside my head, filling it with false hopes of love?! AGAIN WITH THE ASKING MYSELF QUESTIONS?!

Soarin learned about Dashie's cutting. He's convinced himself she needs _him._ _I'm _the one who has been there for her for a _year_ now, _I'm _the one who stayed up, trying to talk her out of suicide via telephone! He's been dating her for what, two weeks?

Love,

Pinkie

* * *

**_Hello_**_**! I know this entry's pretty short, but I'm still kinda happy about this fanfic. I haven't seen one with Dash having emotional problems, and I haven't seen one with Pinkie feeling so indifferent either. Maybe I haven't been looking enough, but...**_

_**This is based on my more recent experiences, so the story's plot isn't even done. Pinkie's feelings are based off mine, and **_**my****_ Rainbow suffers from self harm and is suicidal too. Every night I go to bed wondering if tomorrow I'll still have my best friend or not, and I'm planning to duplicate this feeling for Pinkie and Dash._**

**_Leave a review if you like, and tell me how I'm doing!_**


	3. Third Entry

Dear Diary,

Rainbow Dash made a new friend, Bubble Boom. Apparently she 'Understands what I'm going through,' according to a letter Twilight made her write. Don't ask, it's a long story. Do I sound selfish, to say I feel... cast aside?

They had another 'War Meeting' as I call it, with the Princess, who's still here. Discord and I weren't invited, and he came to the bakery. Who knew he liked chocolate cupcakes too? A lot of ponies didn't seem to like him much, because they kept their distance.

I wonder what Dashie finds so satisfying about cutting herself. I almost tried today, just to see what it would feel like, but I wasn't sure which kind of knife or blade or whatever to use.

Love,

Pinkie


	4. Fourth Entry

Dear Diary,

The baddie everypony's so worried about has made a move. Apparently she's created some zombies or something. Celestia and Twi won't listen to my idea of raising an army, they want a magical solution. A stinking army would do more good than a stupid spell. Unicorns and their "oh so special and unique like a snowflake" magic that "makes them who they are."

Anyway, I learned how to make apple pie! I think I'll take one to Dashie, then maybe she won't forget I'm here for her too, it's not just Bubble that she has.

I need to go to bed, I've had a long day.

Love,

Pinkamena


	5. Fifth Entry

Dear Diary,

I feel so useless. Dash tried to commit suicide, _while I was on the phone with her._ If I hadn't talked so much, maybe I could've heard her swallowing all those pills! _How could I be so stupid?! _I'm a horrible friend, I wanted to talk about my problems. I'm so selfish! I _know_ Dashie's problems are _loads_ worse than mine! Celestia send me to the moon, I almost lost my best friend. And it would've been all my fault. I didn't say anything to anypony today, and nopony even noticed. I bet if _Bubble Boom_ was quiet, _everypony _would ask her all about it. Everypony would worry their heads off. After all, she's like Pinkie, but _so much better!_ She knows when to stop talking, and she's funny, and prettier than Pinkie too! Like an upgrade of the Element of Laughter! I know! Let's take the Element from Pinkie and give it to _Bubble Boom _instead!

Here I go again, being horrible, making everything about me. Tomorrow, I'll try to act like my "normal" self. I don't want to be called an attention seeker, because I'm not. Right?

Love,

Pinkamena

* * *

_Hey guys! Remember 'My Rainbow Dash' I told you about? Well, she is making her own 'Little Pink Diary' but it's called 'The Many Secrets of Rainbow Dash'! Please stop by onto her page (Dancing With Strangers) and review for her! She would love to hear what you guys say about it! _

_I want to thank you all so much for your support, it really means a lot to me. The entries aren't very long, but I'm trying to get two in at a time, and Pinkie tries to get the more important bits in, know what I mean? Again, THANK YOU SO MUCH!_


	6. Sixth Entry

Dear Diary,

I don't understand my friends at all. They entrusted me with their secrets, yet they don't seem to want to be around me as much anymore. Twilight told me who her crush is, Applejack told me her mom left her after Apple Bloom was born, and her dad died in the military! Fluttershy told me her mom and dad are divorced, and Rarity told me her secret coltfriend is cheating on someone else with her. I shouldn't have written this down, but I had to get it out! And of course Rainbow's told me a lot too, but I've already written enough about that.

Diary, I just don't know anymore. I can't concentrate on the simplest of tasks, I'm forgetting everything, and I'm disappointing everypony. I'm having trouble making my friends laugh nowadays too, and I wonder if I'm loosing myself.

Love,

Pinkamena


	7. Seventh Entry

Dear- Wait, what do stallions put at the top of their journals? Who cares, I'm doing it _my _way.

Chalky Punchalitomon,

I noticed Pinkie was writing in a little pink diary thing, so I decided to try it myself. Why I, the Spirit of Chaos, would do this, I haven't a clue, much less why the Element of Laughter would write in a diary. Call me a copycat, but this is kinda nice. I'll just have to put this under lock and key, nobody would look under a lock and a key!

Back to the pink mare, I noticed she's really kinda down. Her mane was going straight the other day and she ran to the bathroom, came back with it curly and normal for her, but her eyes were... dull. Perhaps years of being in a stone prison has messed with my eyes.

The Lordship of Chaos,

Discord the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz (Kidding, green is not my color)

Dear Diary,

I found this paper under a lock and a key, under a chair in the bakery. Discord must've been coming here a lot, but I didn't notice because I've been baking in the back instead of waiting on customers. Anyway, it seems Discord's noticed my feelings, but that's _bad, _because who knows what other ponies have noticed too!

Love,

Pinkamena


	8. Eighth Entry

Dear Diary,

I think I'm safe. Nopony would notice, especially not if my friends don't notice, but I'm staying out of the way. I was invited to the war meeting, but I won't go anymore. I'm not needed or wanted there.

I waited on customers today, and Discord was right there, ready to order his 'usual' coffee with extra sugar and creamer, and a chocolate cupcake. When I came back with his food, he was looking under the chair and table, casting suspicious glances at other ponies in the cafe, which is a shame really, because they were starting to get used to him.

I probably shouldn't have taken his paper, but I didn't know he'd be upset about it. It was just _laying there._ I know! I'll take it out of my diary, with the lock and key, and say I found it when I was cleaning up. I never said I was the Element of _Honesty_.

Love,

Pinkamena


	9. Ninth Entry

Dear Diary,

I swear to Celestia, Discord _knows I took his paper. _When I gave it to him, he looked at me with those red eyes of his, and he said "Thank you, Pinkie Pie. I wouldn't have wanted anypony to _read_ it or _steal _it." And then he laughed and turned his empty cup into chocolate and took a bite.

Luna forbid, I might just be being paranoid. It would be just like me to lose my mind and stop thinking around him.

Love,

Pinkamena


	10. Tenth Entry

Dear Diary,

I swear to Celestia, Discord _knows I took his paper. _When I gave it to him, he looked at me with those red eyes of his, and he said "Thank you, Pinkie Pie. I wouldn't have wanted anypony to _read_ it or _steal _it." And then he laughed and turned his empty cup into chocolate and took a bite.

Luna forbid, I might just be being paranoid. It would be just like me to lose my mind and stop thinking around him.

Love,

Pinkamena


	11. Eleventh Entry

Dear Diary,

I am just so tired. I'm messing up everything in the bakery, I can't concentrate, and I just _hate life_. I want to sleep, and just not wake up. I wish everything weren't about Dash all the time! Why doesn't anyone care about _me_? Luna, I sound so childish and selfish. Of course Dash's problems are worse! Her parents were divorced and she has a mean stepdad! She's a _bully victim. _The only problem I had was my Dad! Well, the biggest problem, but still! Now I really wish I would die, I deserve it!

Pinkie Pie

* * *

_Hey guys, sorry bout the not updating, I've been dealing with emotional whatnot, you know how it is. Anyways, I'm really really sorry, but updates might not be as frequent from now on, okey dokey lokey?_


	12. Twelfth Entry

Dear Diary,

I almost did it. I was staring at the knife, I swear to Celestia, and I was just crying. It hurts so much, but then I realized... If I kill myself, Dash might kill herself too, and she doesn't deserve that. Maybe I should fix Dash first, then I'll be free to free myself. Yes, that is what I will do. I haven't bothered to even say hi to anypony today, and nopony even noticed. I think, once Rainbow is better, she'll forget me... then I can vanish, without a trace.

Pinkamena

* * *

_Hey peeps, sorry for not updating in... forever... I was dealing with some, ah, stuff, so I had no desire to work on this, writers block and all... I'm also working on some other fics I may post later... _

_So, here's my response to _Spike_; Yes, this is all real experiences. I have a RD in my life, Bubble Boom's real too, but the secrets for Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack are a bit.. loosely based, for lack of a better term. As for advice, this is going to sound so much like an adult, but you need to tell somebody like a school counselor, a teacher, older family. You have to look for professional help, because despite what you or others may think, _**you are worth****saving.**_Okay, and don't be like me/Pinkie, tell your best friends if you think you can trust them, and make sure you have a bit of time for you. Find something you like to do and do it, and remember that someone will be heartbroken if you die by your own hand, at least one person, if not dozens. I've been there, no, I'm still there, and I know what it feels like. I know how hard it will be, but we have to hold onto faith._

_See you all later,_

_The Seventh Sage_


	13. Thirteenth Entry

Dear Diary,

I am a wicked creature, you know. How can I dream anyone would ever love me? I'm still a monster, no matter what I wish. Why then, do I think of him every day? How do I dare to pretend he and I could ever be, when what I did to him... the words I said... I feel empty. Does that make sense? Lately, I've been acting way too hyper and I've been annoying everypony, but when I act hyper I feel so _happy..._ Does that make sense? I keep asking that question, I notice... Why? I'm no longer the pony that I was, am I? I've changed... or maybe I had just convinced myself I was something other that that which I am, and I believed myself... Here I go again, speaking (rather, writing) of nonsense, as I do for my friends everyday. I put on a show for them and the world, and for all I've acted, I still doubt them. What do they really want from me? Why do they put up with me, anyways?

Pinkamena Diane Pie

* * *

_Hello, my wonderful readers! I realize I've crammed a lot in this chapter, but I'm making our dear Pinkie loose her grip on sanity a bit, as I'm sure will come into play in future chapters... eee hee hee! Anyways, I'm thinking of making Pinkamena have a bit of Dissociative Identity Disorder, though somewhat more mild... It's already in my plans she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and I think I brought it into play a bit more in this entry than in others... Anyways, thanks to my reviewers and readers!_


End file.
